


Find Me Again

by drxpdead



Series: Discovering Love [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Breakups, M/M, Makeups, Sequel, explicit sexual content in later chapters, heaitant friendships, shaky relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-04-25 13:22:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4962184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drxpdead/pseuds/drxpdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is only just now aware of the fact that he loves Phil Lester, but at the wrong moment, because Phil hates him. He makes that very clear, in the way he successfully ignores Dan. But Dan is desperate, because the longer he and Phil are separated, the more his heart is breaking, and pretty soon he won't be able to deal with it.<br/>Does he have what it takes to make Phil love him again? Or will he always be hated by the boy with the blue eyes?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  He's staring at Phil again. He's been doing so ever since the lesson started, fifteen minutes ago, and no matter how much he knows he shouldn't, he can't help. He's sure that Phil can sense him, but if he does, he shows no sign of it. He just looks forward, paying attention to whatever the teacher is going on about and not once looking in Dan's direction.

  Dan is already breaking the indirect promise he made to Phil not two weeks earlier. He's not supposed to be looking at him, that's what Phil wanted, but Dan doesn't really care. He's not going to deprive himself of this simple pleasure, of being able to look at the beautiful boy with the black hair, and the pretty blue eyes. The boy who used to love him. The boy he loves.

  He's new to this, this whole 'love' thing. Not too long ago, he was positive in his believing that love was a myth, like unicorns or something, but now he's been hit full force with it, and there's just no denying it now, not anymore. It's not like he can do anything about now, because Phil doesn't even look at him anymore, so it's not as if Dan can finally confess his feelings. He'd probably get laughed at.

  And so he has to deal with this. With only being able to look at him and imagine conversations where everything was fixed between them, and they loved each other, happy ever after. But that's all they would ever be. Imagination. 

  Suddenly, his skin started prickling, and he looked away from Phil only to meet a pair of green eyes that held nothing but evil victory and the smallest amount of lust.

  Jace Winslow. With those green eyes and that stylish brown-blonde hair, he was probably one of the most attractive guys in this school. But Dan knew that he was nothing but an insufferable man whore. He had made Dan believe that he was good, trustworthy enough to tell anything, and then he had gone and twisted everything up in the worst possible way. He was the reason that Dan and Phil were on such bad terms. Well, part of it at least.

  And now he was staring at Dan, not unlike the way Dan had previously been looking at Phil. Dan stubbornly looked away, down at his desk. There was no way he was gonna get sucked into that trap again. Not like last time, he didn't want to lose anything else.

  The rest of that class was spent, lost in his own imagination again, with Not Real Phil. He was so pathetic, making up these useless scenarios. It was the high point of his days, recently, and once or twice it was how he got off.

  He didn't have anymore classes with Phil, which he was simultaneously disappointed and highly glad about. It was torture enough, seeing him first thing every morning and not being able to do an anything about it. But not being able to look at him anymore, the rest of the day, was just as painful. And so when the bell rang, signaling the end of this period, Dan glanced at the boy he loved one more time, ignoring the sharp ache in his chest as he did so, and headed off to his next class.

  Pretty much the whole school knew about him and Phil, but very few actually knew why they weren't together anymore. There were all sorts of rumors going around, from Dan cheating with various people of various ages to him knocking up some girl. Dan's favorite was the supposed video of him having sex with a teacher for money, that had conveniently been taken down. 

  Either way, Dan couldn't even walk to his locker without everyone in his path glaring at him in disgust and hate, and there were the occasional rude comments. He didn't pay mind to any of it though, because he was sure that nothing could hurt him any more than the rejection from Phil he constantly received.

  And as if that wasn't enough, Jace wouldn't leave him alone. He was always trying to talk to Dan, get his attention in some kind of way,  but Dan ignored as best as he could. He wanted nothing to do with that guy.

  All in all, Dan's life was hell. He had lost everything, he didn't know how good he'd had it before. And there was really no one to blame but himself. If he hadn't been so fucking stupid, if only he hadn't let Jace get to him...but there was nothing he could do about it now.

  This was his life now.

                                                  *******************************************************

  Jace was talking to Phil.

  This was something Dan was sure would never happen in any way, seeing as they both hated each other for a number of reasons, but it was happening now as Dan could clearly see from around the corner.  And from the looks of it, Phil wasn't too happy about it either.

  What the hell were they talking about? They didn't seem as if they had too much in common, so there was no way it was just some normal, civilized conversation. What if they were talking about Dan? That would probably explain the sour look crossing Phil's face.

  The hallways were pretty crowded, seeing as it was the end of the school day, and Dan had to stand on his toes to properly see them.

  He was just about to give up and make his way back to his own locker, when Phil punched Jace square in the face.

  Holy shit, was the first thing Dan thought, before he was pushing his way through the crowd over to them. Everyone had stopped. staring at Jace who was laying on the ground, clutching his face, and Phil, who was glaring down at him.

  "What the hell did you do that for?" Dan said, kneeling down beside Jace but looking up at Phil in shock. He didn't really care that this was the first thing he had said to Phil, in weeks, he was too much in awe. Phil was definitely not the physically violent type, Jace must have really pissed him off.

  "Defending your new boyfriend, now?" Phil said, through clenched teeth, and Dan stared at him with his mouth open. Phil had actually talked to him. He shook his head, trying to focus on the situation at hand.

  "He- he's not my boyfriend." Dan said, stuttering, and couldn't help but realize how stupid he sounded, since he was currently sitting right beside Jace, with an arm wrapped around him.

  "Oh, well that breaks my heart." Jace suddenly said, a bit thickly from the blood pooling in his mouth. Dan shot him an irritated look, but Jace only smiled back up at him.

  When Dan looked back up, he saw that Phil had disappeared, and he sighed tiredly. "What did you say to him?" He asked Jace, who was sitting up rather painfully.

  "I was just trying to apologize." He replied, rubbing his cheek gently and wincing. "You know, for him having to watch me give you the best hand job you've ever had. At least, judging from the way you were screaming."

  Dan blushed slightly at his words, but pushed him away and stood up. "Don't talk to me like that." He said.

  "I always thought you liked my dirty talk?" Jace said innocently, but his smile was wicked. "Don't you remember all the fun we had? We still could you know, now that Blue Eyes is out of the way. I could-"

  "I said," Dan cut him off. "don't talk to me like that. I don't want anything to do with you anymore, okay?" And then he left, turning and leaving Jace where he was sitting in the middle of the hall.

  "Whatever you want, babe." Jace shouted after him. "But you know where to find me."

  Dan didn't look back.

                                       


	2. Two

Dan was miserable at home just as much as he was at school, if not more. Because at home, there were no classes or teachers to distract him from thoughts of Phil, and the self loathing he had on himself. The only thing he had was homework, but that didn't last too long, and he usually ended uo sitting in the dark of his room until midnight, reliving every happy moment him and Phil had ever experienced. It was the worst.

And to make things worse, his parents were home. They were usually gone away on some sort of business trip, and Dan had the house to himself, but now they had decided to come back home for a while. They were always a bit nosy when it came to Dan's life, since they weren't around often, and this didn't make things any more bearable. They constantly asked him why he kept himself shut up in the room, and barely ate with them, and he tried his best to just brush them off, but that didn't slow them down.

Dan was curently splayed out across his bed, staring up at the ceiling absentmindedly, when his mum knocked on his closed door. He looked over at it and sighed. "Come in."

She walked in hesitantly, carrying a cup of what looked like tea, and Dan smiled slightly at her, because that's what she used to do when he was younger. Ask him about his day after making him a cup of tea.

Dan sat up, leaning up against his headboard and scooting over so that his mum could sit down. She set the cup on the table beside her and sat next to him.

"How was your day, love?" She asked him softly, and he smiled again.

"Horribly uneventful, actually." He replied. He knew she didn't believe him, but she didn't say anything about it. That's how she was, she wouldn't pressure him into talking, she'd just wait until he wanted to. "I have to tell you something."

"Go ahead, you can tell me anything." 

Dan sighed. "Okay, well I don't know if you guys know this or not, but I'm not completely...straight." He started, and was surprised to hear his mother start laughing.

"Oh, sweetie," She said, "we knew from the beginning."

"You knew the whole time? How come you never told me?"

"We didn't want to make you uncomfortable." She said, rubbing his shoulder gently. "Now. That can't be all that's on your mind. What's up with you?"

Dan paused again, picking at the blanket underneath him. He really didn't want to confess everything he'd done, especially not to his mother of all people, but there was really no one else. "There was this guy." Pause. Sigh. "I really, really like him. I think I might love him."

"Oh, well that's not so bad, sweetie. You don't to be so worried about it."

"I haven't finished." He said, laughing at her enthusiasm. "There was a guy. We were...we were dating for a while, maybe a month or two. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, really."

He paused again, smiling slightly at all the memories running through his head, good ones of course. "He kinda showed up one day, and pretty much changed everything. He changed me, in a good way. He's so.....eccentric, I guess you could say. He's always smiling and laughing, at the weirdest moments. He's really sweet, too, probably the nicest person you'll ever meet." His smile grew wider. "And he's really sexy."

"That's always a good thing." His mum said, and Dan laughed again. "So why are you all sad and gloomy, if he's so 'kind and sexy'?"

Dan looked up at the ceiling. His semi good mood was completely gone now.

"Cause I fucked everything up." He sighed.

"Daniel." His mum said warningly.

"Sorry." Dan replied, smiling weakly at her. "I messed everything up. Me and him, we were good togther, happy, mostly. And then I screwed it all up cause I'm a horrible person who has no right to ever be loved again like Phil loved me, I was just being so damn-"

"Daniel!"

"Sorry!" He said again. "I cheated on him."

There was silence between them, and Dan didn't look over at his mum because he really didn't want to see what she was thinking. She was most likely disappointed in him, hell, he was disappointed in himself. But it would be a lot worse if it was coming from his parents.

After what seemed like the longest time, Dan heard his mum take a deep breath. "Well, you really did fuck things up then."

"Mum!" He exclaimed, in mock disdain, and she laughed at him, slapping his arm playfully.

"I'm an adult, I do what I want." She said. "Now, back to you. Why'd you do it, if you love him so much?"

"I don't know." He said, running his fingers through his hair in frustration, at himself and at everything else too. "I wasn't really into the whole 'love' thing at the time, and me and him were kind of sorta fighting, I just wasn't thinking too straight I guess."

"I bet you weren't." She said. "How'd he find out, did someone tell him?"

Dan twisted his fingers together, licking his lips before answering. "He walked in on us." He said quietly, and winced when he heard his mum gasp lighlty.

"That's just horrible." She said, and Dan could only nod in agreement.

"God, I hate myself so much for it, too." He groaned, burying his face into his hands. "And now he hates me."

 

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you, love." She said, rubbing his back gently. "There's a difference between being angry and hating someone."

"Mum, he won't even look at me."

 

"He's just trying to work it all out, Dan. Trust me, if you just go up and talk to him, work everything out, I'm sure everything will be fine between you two."

"I wish it were that easy." Dan sighed. "I can't just go up and talk to him, after he caught me being man handled by another guy."

His mum paused. "Wait." She said. "So you, uh....you're the bottom in-"

"Oh my god." Dan moaned. "Now is really not the time to discuss my.....preferences."

"Sorry, just a curious mother." She replied. "But seriously, if you were in his shoes, would you honestly hate him? Like really hate him, or would you just be very mad."

Dan didn't reply, as he thought about it. Truth be told, he most likely wouldn't completely hate Phil, if he had done the same thing. It would probably just be a very deep seated anger at the fact that he had done it, but not hate. And this gave Dan just the smallest bit of hope, that maybe he had a chance.

"I guess you might be right." He said. "But I still wanna give him some space, just so he can cool off, sort of."

 

His mother smiled at him, and pulled him into an unexpected hug. "I really hope things work out for your, Daniel."

"Yeah, me too." He said, hugging her back tightly. He might always complain about her being a bit too nosy, but he did appreciate the things she did for him.

After a few more minutes of mindless conversation about school and whatnot, she eventually left, and Dan was once again left alone. And, as per usual, his thoughts drifted over to Phil. But now, they weren't so depressing and heart breaking. Now, they were sort of hopeful, and Dan was actually smiling.

He was going to try with Phil. No matter what he had to do, or what the consequences. He was going to try.


	3. Three

Dan moaned, maybe a bit too loudly, as Phil continued to place gentle yet hungry kisses up and down the sensitive skin of his throat. They were as close as they could possibly be, wrapped up in each others arms tightly as they moved together. Dan's head was thrown back against the pillows of his bed, his arms locked behind Phil's neck, and his legs were in the same position around Phil's waist.

There was no love or passion between them at the moment. No going slowly or taking the time to savor any feelings. It was pure hot, unadulterated lust, and Dan was loving every fucking second of it. He didn't care about the sweat that was covering the both of them, or the fact that they were both breathing hard, barely getting enough air into their lungs. He just wanted this, the feel of Phil's body all over his, and lips touching every bit of bare skin they could find.

Phil moved his hands, sliding them down Dan's slick skin firmly, so that they were at his hips, pulling at his waist until it was flush against Phil's own hardness. They both groaned at the contact, and Dan nearly cried out when Phil started moving against him, slow and provocative.

Phil leaned down and capured Dan's lips in a heated kiss, and Dan tangled his fingers roughly into his hair. There were tongues everywhere, sliding in and out of mouths wryly, and that mixed with the feeling of them grinding against each other erotically, was euphoric.

Dan was making all kinds of loud, filthy noises, but he was too caught up to feel any sort of embarrassment about it. His back was arched high off of the bed, almost to the point of pain, so that him and Phil were touching in every way possible. His body was warm all over and he couldn't think, not with the way Phil was still kissing him, touching him.

They continued on like that, just fiercely making out and touching, for some time, and they kept going, it kept getting more and more heated, until Dan could barely see straight from all the lust coursing through him. He was sure things couldn't possibly get any better than this, but was proven wrong when Phil left his lips and once again started kissing his neck, a lot more eager than last time. Dan moaned heavily when Phil moved even further down his chest, and started licking, sucking at his hardened nipple.

There were no words between them. They communicated mostly through groans and whimpers, letting each other know just how much they were enjoying this.

Dan was panting thickly, his body practically shaking from the pure fucking pleasure he was being put through. His fingers were still tangled tightly into Phil's hair, most likely causing him pain, but there was no way Dan was letting go, if he did, there was no stopping him from full out writhing around on the sheets below him.

When Phil pulled his lips away from that sensitive part of his skin, Dan whimpered lowly at the loss of his warm, wet mouth, but his disappointment soon disappeared when he felt Phil continue planting hungry kisses along his stomach, and down to his hips, biting softly at the skin there. He was so damn close to where Dan wanted him the most, and Dan's dick twitched at the feel of Phil's warm breath cascading over it, making him painfully harder.

Phil was teasing him, and Dan didn't like it one bit. He was close, so very fucking close, and with the way Phil was going, it would take years for him to finally reach the release he so desperately craved. He yanked at Phil's hair, trying to direct his attention to his leaking hard on, and hissed when Phil finally reached over and grasped him firmly. He started moving his hand, stroking Dan sensually, but dammit he was still going too slow.

Dan moaned, loud and long, not even trying to keep quiet as he pretty much begged for Phil to go faster. But Phil only smiled, shooting him a wicked grin as he continued at his slow, even pace.

It was a beautiful kind of torture. Dan wanted so badly to reach that point, the white hot release as he came, that would make his whole body catch fire. He was just on the edge of it, his fingers gripping the sheets on either side of him tightly, his chest heaving, his head thrown back against the pillows unceremoniously, and god he couldn't stop screaming. It was right there, so damn close he could practically see it, and just like that-

-Dan jolted awake as he came into his hand, burying his face into the pillow so his cries couldn't be heard. His entire body was shaking from the intensity of his orgasm, and he was sweating.

He pulled hand away from his now soft appendage, and frowned slightly at the slimy, wet substance that covered it before wiping it on the sheets. He must have been unconsciously jerking himself off, it had happened before.

Truth be told, this was not the first wet dream he'd had about Phil in the last few weeks. It was pretty much every other morning he woke up with the sticky wetness covering his chest and/or the sheets. He had no idea why they had started, but he also wasn't complaining. He had all kinds of sexual frustration built up inside him, and this was the only form of release he had.

Dan stood from his warm and somewhat damp bed, sorting himself out before going to take a shower. A cold one, because images from his previous dream were starting to come back to him, and he was too tired to handle another orgasm.

And so with a sigh, he headed to the bathroom, trying to keep all thoughts of Phil's mouth and hands all over him away. Unsuccessfully, of course, because soon enough he was using a towel to muffle the moans of pleasure he was letting loose under the warm spray of the shower.


	4. Four

The next day at school was uneventful, as had been for the last few weeks. At least, the first half was. 

  It started off the same, with Dan casually stalking Phil in between classes and Phil casually ignoring him, Jace watching him like he was some kind of delicacy, and his classes doing nothing but torture his already bent-out-of-shape mind. He tried his hardest to actually pay attention to what was going on around him, but soon enough, it would at just become a blur, and he'd just tune out. 

  Needless to say, his first three periods went by slowly and painfully, and he nearly started singing when the bell rang, signaling his lunch period. 

  After Phil had found out about his and Jace's 'escapades', Dan had taken to spending his lunch in various hiding spots, so that the vicious green eyed boy wouldn't seek him out and try anything. He avoided his usual spot, a large tree in front of the school, at all costs. And so far, his actions had seemed to work. 

  But today must not have been his day, because just as he was settling down behind one of the abandoned tool sheds of the school, the devil himself showed up, standing over Dan and smirking down at him with those attractive yet undeniably evil green eyes. 

  "I know you've been avoiding me." Was the first thing he said, as he plopped down, uninvited, next to Dan. "And I know why, really, I just don't see the point in it."

  Dan didn't say anything, just continued to gaze down at the book that was open in his lap. He wasn't at all paying attention to the words, but he flipped the page anyway to make it seem as if he wasn't interested in Jace talking. Maybe he'd go away then. 

  Jace stayed quiet too, pulling harshly at the grass underneath him. But his silence was short lived, as he continued on in that annoyingly charming voice of his. 

  "I mean you and that Frank guy, whatever his name was," he said, waving his hand dismissively, "you guys are done, I mean, completely annihilated from what I can tell."

  Dan still ignored him, but he couldn't stop the reaction that came to him at Jace's words. His teeth clenched tightly behind his lips, and his fingers gripped the edges of his book until his hands started turning white. He tried to control his suddenly sped up breathing, but it was hard because Jace just kept talking. 

  "And what we had was fun, right? I enjoyed myself at least, I don't know about you." He paused again, leaning his head back against the wall and staring up at the sky. "What I'm trying to say is, if you and your boy toy are done, why can't we go back to the way it was before? It's not as if you have to hide it anymore, and there's none of that ugly guilt either, that comes from cheating." He glanced over at Dan, who was still resilient in his silence. "And I'm so bored."

  "You know what I don't understand?" Dan said through his teeth. He continued glaring down at the pages in front him, not wanting to look at Jace full on. "I don't know if what you said was true, about what that Logan guy did to you, but it sure seemed like it was. And I don't understand why you did the same exact thing with me, knowing it would hurt him the way it did you." He looked up then, straight at Jace who looked as if he was ready to claw Dan's eyes out.  

  "Don't talk to me about him." Jace said, dangerously quiet. His eyes weren't so shiny now, instead they had grown darker with anger.

  "Just like you talk to me about Phil?" Dan shot back at him, his hands balling into fists. 

  "It's not the same."

  "It's exactly the same, you asshole." 

  Jace didn't say anything else, and Dan actually felt sort of proud of himself for making him speechless. He went back to staring at his book, waiting for Jace to do something or say something. 

  "You wanna know something, Dan?" Jace finally said, and Dan could hear the calm anger in his voice. "What I did to you.....no, what me and you did together; I actually kind if hated myself for doing it."

  Dan couldn't help but snort loudly at his words. 

  "Oh, please." He said, closing his book and actually looking at Jace with hatred and sarcastic pleasure. "You enjoyed every fucking second, torturing me with the guilt of what we did, and you can't tell me otherwise. Everytime you look at me, you remind me of everything you put me through."

  "I'm sorry, Dan." Jace said quietly, and Dan was actually surprised to hear the genuine sincerity in his voice. "I really am, I just....I'm a selfish bastard, okay? I see what I want, and I do anything to take it, I don't care who gets hurt in the long run. And when I saw you with Phil....I got jealous."

  "Jealous?"

  "Yeah, fucking jealous." Jace sighed, running his fingers through his blondish hair aggressively. "It was stupid. I saw you guys all the time, always fucking smiling and shit, and I...I wanted that. I told you before, all the other guys I ever dated were major assholes, but you, you looked so good."

  "And so you thought the best thing to do was try and split us up?" Dan said angrily. 

  "I would have done anything, I told you that."

  "I really don't understand you, Jace." Dan said, laughing without humor."You have the most sick, twisted kind of logic, you know that?"

  "I can't really help it." Jace replied, and then smiled slightly at Dan. "And I'm not gonna change it either. I've tried, honestly, but it's like....I get this kind of rush, from doing the things I want, and getting things I want."

  Dan scoffed before standing up and glaring down at him. "You're cynical. Stay away from, and I'm serious this time. Don't come near me." He said, and walked away, leaving Jace behind that abandoned tool shed.

  His blood was boiling from Jace's words, and he could barely stop his hands from shaking in his anger. He'd had no right to say those kinds of things, and his mind was just....not very stable, it seemed. And Dan wanted nothing to do with that. 

                                         ****************************************

  The day was coming to an end, and Dan wanted nothing more than to just go home and sulk in his room, but the day apparently wasn't done with him. Because as he was grabbing his things from his locker, Phil showed up, standing next to him awkwardly and looking everywhere but at Dan. 

  "I, uh...." He started, looking as if he'd rather be anywhere but here. "I left one of my notebooks at your house, and I wanted to know if you'd be able to bring it to me tomorrow."

  Dan just stared at him for a minute, still in shock that Holy shit, Phil is here, he's talking to me, what the fuck do I say? He shook himself out of his surprised stupor, and started stuttering. 

  "Um, I don't....I mean, you don't have to wait til tomorrow." Oh, so subtle, Dan. "I mean, you could come to my house right now. You know, to get the notebook, not because....yeah." His face was practically on fire, and he was clutching his books to his chest so they didn't fall to the ground with the way his hands were shaking. 

  He waited in agony, for Phil to say something, even if it was a rejection. 

  "I....I guess I could." He finally replied, and Dan almost stopped breathing when he agreed. He really wasn't expecting that. 

  "Okay!" He said, and nearly punched himself for sounding so excited. "Yeah, uh, let's go then."

  The whole time they were together, from walking out of the school until they finally reached Dan's house, it was quiet between them, and it was the most tense and painful silence Dan had ever had to endure. 

  Dan was extremely glad that his parents were gone, because he really didn't feel like explaining Phil to them. He'd have no idea what to say, and it would be nothing but awkward. He led a somewhat reluctant Phil up the stairs and into his room, letting the door close behind them. Which was kind of stupid really, because it wasn't as if Phil was staying, but it was just what he usually did. 

  And here they were now, not looking at each other and not saying anything. 

  "Right, uh...." Dan said, dropping his bag on the floor and going to search through his desk drawers for the notebook. After a minute, he found the green covered book  handed it silently to Phil, who took just as quietly. "There you go" He said lamely. 

  "Thanks." Phil said, and Dan's heart almost stopped when he shot a small smile at him. "I'll just, go now." He turned to the door, and was just leaving when Dan grabbed his arm to stop him. 

  Holy fuck, why'd I do that? He thought. He honestly had no idea what to say, and Phil was staring at him curiously with those damn eyes of his. 

  "I just....I wanted to tell you I'm sorry." He said, and quickly dropped Phil's arm when he realized he was still gripping it. 

  "It doesn't change anything, Dan." Phil said, almost sadly. 

  "I know, I know it doesn't, but I've realized that you mean a lot to me, Phil. I love you, and I know it's too damn late to be saying that, but it's true, alright? And I miss you. So much." Dan took a deep, shaky breath, and tried his hardest not to let Phil see him cry, but he couldn't stop the single tear from rolling down his cheek. 

  "Dammit, Dan, you make things so hard sometimes." Phil told him thickly. 

  "What do you mean?"

  "I love you too, okay?" He said, and he sounded angry about it. "But I don't want to, I'm not supposed to, not after what you did."

  "I didn't mean to." Dan said desperately, moving closer, but Phil stepped back from him. "Phil, he didn't mean anything."

  "I see you talking to him still."

  "He talks to me, I want nothing to do with him."

  "I can't do this." Phil said, opening the door and starting to leave. "Thanks for the, uh, the notebook. See you." And then he was gone, and Dan stood there, just staring at the closed door. The tears were flowing much more freely now, and Dan did nothing to stop them.

  He was never going to get his Phil back. And god, it hurt so much.


	5. Five

  Dan was as heartbroken as he'd ever been. He'd honestly thought it couldn't get worse than it already was, but it really had. Knowing that Phil still loved him and he still chose not to have anything to with Dan was possibly the worst feeling in the world. And Dan was starting to fall apart. 

  He had stopped going to school, cause what was the point? It wasn't as if he would actually pay attention anyways, and he didn't feel like putting himself through the torture of seeing Phil walk past him time after time and just completely ignore him. Especially not after what he'd said all those days ago. It just wasn't worth it. 

  His parents were home sometimes, and they'd tried countless times to get him out of his depressive state, but to no avail. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep, he didn't shower even. He had started locking his door, because it was annoying having his mum come into his room at random times without knocking, and he didn't feel like listening to her sickening 'words of encouragement'. 

  He sat in his room, from dawn to dusk, staring at the ceiling or one of the walls, sometimes with his headphones blasting some stupidly relate able song about heart break and sadness, or just in the deafining quiet of the small room. It was pretty much routine now. 

  He'd lost all kinds weight. None of his clothes fit him anymore, and so he was usually just in a now-too-large T-shirt and his boxers. 

  He was just done. He had no encouragement whatsoever to try and talk to Phil again, it would probably just make things worse. He had no one else he could talk to, not about this. And so he was on on his own. 

  He was sure that at some point, he would get over this, and things would be okay again. Whether it was a few hours from now, a few days or even a few months. But for the time being he was just stuck in this sort of limbo. 

  In that moment, he saw nothing in his future that would ever bring him back to the way he had been before. 

                                 ********************************************

  Usually, when one of his parents started knocking on his door, he just closed his eyes and waited until they finally gave up and left. And he did the same thing now, but the knocking never stopped, and it was starting to give him a headache. 

  "Open the damn door, Dan, or I'll fucking break it down."

  Well, that wasn't his mum.

  He rolled gracelessly out from under his burrow of duvets and pillows and stumbled towards the door, blinking harshly as he opened it and glared at the pair of green eyes on the other side. 

  "What the hell are you doing here, Jace?" He questioned, his voice thick and husky from not using it for the last few weeks. 

  "Let me in, it's time for your intervention." He replied cheerfully, and pushed past Dan without waiting for a reply. Dan sighed heavily, but closed the door again before facing the other boy warily. 

  "How did you even get in, my parents aren't home?"

  "I take pride in my lock picking skills."

  "You broke into my house?"

  

  "It's not like you would have answered the door. And I did try knocking. Jesus, you've really let yourself go, haven't you?" Jace said pitifully, regarding Dan's baggy clothes and unkempt hair. Dan only sighed at him, before going back to his bed and crawling under the mountain of blankets again. He buried his face under as well. 

  "Just go away, I don't feel like bitching to you about my personal life." He moaned. 

  "Too bad, I'm not leaving. Seriously, Dan, this is just unhealthy. When's the last time you've eaten?" Jace replied, and Dan could practically hear the eye roll in his snarky tone. 

  "I'm perfectly fine, okay? I don't need you, or anyone, to tell me I'm anything but."

  "Honestly, Dan. I'm worried about you, alright?" Jace said, and Dan felt just the slightest bit of guilt at hearing the worry in his voice. "Is it because of Phil?"

  "It has nothing to do with him." Dan basically snarled, and they both knew he was lying. It was everything about him that was causing this. 

  Suddenly, his protective mound of blankets was torn off his body, and Dan curled in on himself at the sudden loss of warmth. He could feel Jace standing over him, glaring down at his thin form, but Dan didn't look at him. 

  "You need to stop being such a bitch." Jace said angrily, and Dan peeked up at him in shock. "Now, here's what going to happen. You're going to get out this bed and go take a fucking shower, cause you smell horrible. And then you're gonna put some clothes on and eat a decent fucking meal, and we're gonna talk. You got it?"

  Dan sat up slightly, staring open mouthed at him, but nodded his head dumbly. If he didn't know any better, he would say Jace was actually trying to take care of him. And he was positive there was no way he would be allowed to refuse. 

  He climbed out of bed for the second time that day, and proceeded to do exactly as Jace had ordered, taking a much needed shower. Truthfully, he felt so much better in doing so, and the tension in his body slowly started to fade away as the warm water cascaded over him. It was heavenly. 

  He really had lost a considerable amount of weight the last few weeks, and the only the clothes he had that remotely fit him were a shirt from two years ago that he'd found in the back of his closet, and a pair of Phil's sweatpants he'd left over a while ago. He was a bit slimmer than Dan, but they were still noticeably baggy. 

  Dan hadn't had much of an appetite recently, but he suddenly found himself starving when he walked into the kitchen and saw Jace at the stove, making some unknown food. Dan didn't care what it was, he just wanted it in his mouth. 

  "See, you already look better." Jace said when he saw Dan walk into the kitchen. Dan scowled at him, but he knew it was true. He felt better. 

  "Why are you even doing this?" Dan asked as he sat at the table. "I mean, we're not the best of friends or anything. I don't see why you suddenly care so much."

  He waited, and watched Jace's back in silence. Jace didn't answer him for a while, not until he'd finished cooking and handed Dan a plate full of food that surely couldn't be finished by one person. Dan automatically dug in, not caring how much he was most likely embarrassing himself. 

"I kinda know what you're going through right now, okay?" Jace started, and Dan paused slightly in his shoveling of food to listen. "I know I might come off as a heartless asshole, but I do know what break ups are like."

  "We didn't so much 'break up'. It was more like 'torn apart'. And still I ask, why do you care? I mean, you kinda caused it." Dan said, his mouth half full and his eyes curiously staring into Jace's green ones. 

  "We've been over this. I'm sorry, okay? And just because I was.....the root of this, it doesn't mean I don't know how much it hurts. Because I do, trust me. I've had my fair share of heart break." Jace sighed, and smiled tiredly at him. "I was just like this at one point, Dan. And I know how much it fucking hurts, having your heart ripped out like you did. But being a reclusive bum isn't going to make it any better. I don't want to see you like this, you have too much to just throw away."

  Dan stared down at his half empty plate, shoving the food around it mindlessly instead of eating. 

  This was a completely different side of Jace, that Dan had never seen before. It was kind of unnerving, seeing him be so.....compassionate and caring. But it was also somewhat reassuring to see that he wasn't always such a giant bag of dicks. 

  "Well, what else am I supposed to do then, Jace." Dan said eventually, giving up on the food entirely and dropping his fork. "He hates me, alright? He told me that he couldn't be with me, but he also said he still loves me. Do you know how fucking worthless that makes me feel? To know I'm not worth it, not worth it for him to try and forgive me? I'll never find anyone like him, ever again, I know that. And if I can't have him, then I don't fucking care about anything else. He's all that matters.To me, he's all that matters."

  "Then stop being such a pussy and tell him that."

  "What do you think I've been trying to do?" Dan said desperately, and he didn't even care that he had started crying again, in front of Jace. "He doesn't listen to a word I say, he doesn't look at me, he doesn't fucking acknowledge my presence in any kind of way. There's nothing left, I'm done. I'm so done."

  Jace reached over the table and smacked him straight across the face.

  "You need to calm down." He said, and Dan stared at him in disbelief, holding his now throbbing cheek. "All this moaning and whining about not getting your way is really fucking annoying. If he doesn't listen, you need to make him listen. Punch him in the face, if you have to, but pining after him like some little bitch isn't gonna do shit. So grow and pair, get the fuck out of here and go get your man back."

  This was honestly the weirdest pep talk Dan had ever received, but oddly enough, it made him realize that what he was doing wasn't doing shit to help him. Jace was right, he needed to talk to Phil, and stop being a wuss about it. He'd been through enough crap, he shouldn't be intimidated by Phil, he shouldn't be scared that he would be rejected. He already was rejected, it couldn't be much worse. He really had nothing left to lose. 

  "You didn't have to hit me, douche bag." Dan said, rubbing his face and wincing slightly at the sting.

"Sorry." Jace said. "You were going kind of crazy there."

  Dan laughed at that, and soon enough it turned into a loud, boisterous sort of laugh that made his stomach hurt and his eyes watery. Jace stared at him in confusion, most likely wondering if he needed to go to some sort of asylum. 

  "I'm sorry, just..." Dan started, but trailed off into more giggles. "This whole situation is kinda fucked up."

  "What do you mean?" Jace asked, still clearly dumbfounded. 

  "I mean, look at this, look at us." Dan exclaimed, pointing to the two of them wildly. "You're, like, my ex-mistress or something, I cheated on my boyfriend with you. And now you're giving me advice about how to get him back." He dissolved into laughter again, clutching his sides rightly. "It's kind of hilarious."

  Jace thought about it for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. "I guess it is kind of funny." He said, and as he came to that realization, he started laughing too. Not as maniacally as Dan, but still loud. 

  They were a sight to see, two teenage boys who had supposedly been sworn enemies, laughing hysterically at seemingly nothing in their pajamas in the kitchen. But in that moment, Dan was happy. And he was hopeful.

  But most of all, he was downright content.


	6. Six

  He was gonna do it. At this very moment, Dan was going to walk up to Phil, and talk to him. And he was going to listen, because Dan wanted him to. He was done being the shy and scared boy he'd become, and he was going to fucking prove it. 

  It was three days after Jace had come to his house and brought him back to like. Metaphorically, obviously. He'd started going to school again, and he was different now. He actually payed attention to the teachers in his classes, and not once did he feel as if he wasn't supposed to look at at or think about Phil. Because goddammit, he did what he wanted to, and nobody was going to stop him, even if they could make him cry with a flash of those blue eyes. 

  It was the end of the day, a Friday, and everyone was shouting and rough housing because the weekend was finally here, but Dan pushed past them all and didn't stop once until he stood directly next to Phil at his locker, who hadn't even noticed Dan yet. 

  "Phil." Dan said loudly over the noise of hundreds of students. He felt the familiar quiver in his stomach when Phil regarded him harshly with those cold eyes of his, but he pushed it away and stood his ground. 

  "I don't have time for this, Dan." Phil said, and was turning to leave but Dan grabbed his arm and pulled him roughly back around.  

  "Look, I know you hate me, and you probably don't even want to look at me right now, but we need to talk, and I think you know that." Dan said. He was still holding onto Phil's arm tightly, and dropped it once he realized it. 

  Phil wasn't looking at him, choosing instead to stare at the floor. He didn't say anything for a while, and Dan felt his confidence start to fade a bit until the blue eyed boy finally did speak. 

  "I don't hate you." He said quietly, and Dan almost didn't hear him over the sounds of all the other kids still crowded around them. But those words meant everything to him at the moment, and he wouldn't be surprised if he started crying in the middle of this hallway. His chest clenched, but in a good kind of way, and he paused for a minute, trying to get his mind back into focus. 

  "Oh, right." He muttered. "So, will you just talk to me? Cause I'm tired of chasing you around like this, and playing games. And if you don't want to, fine. This is the last time I'll ever talk to you." He knew it would be hard, and that it would hurt, but he would do it. If Phil really didn't want to talk to him, he'd stop trying. There was no point in trying, if he was just going to keep getting rejected. 

  The halls were starting to empty, as students left to go and fulfill their weekend plans, and Dan was still waiting for Phil to answer his request. It was completely nerve racking, and Dan was starting to sweat from the anxiety. 

  "Alright." Phil said, looking up at him for the first time. "But I don't want you to apologize to me, okay? And we're not getting back together, so don't even try mentioning it."

  Dan nodded his head in agreement, but couldn't stop the pain he felt at Phil's words. Because the whole reason he was doing this was to make Phil forgive him and for them to get back together. But either way, he still had to talk to him, so they could set things straight between them. Maybe they could still be friends....as long Phil didn't hate him, he'd be fine.

  "Are we, uh.... are we going to your place?" Phil asked, as they walked together our of the school and to Dan's car. 

  "Yeah, if that's okay. My parents aren't home, so......"

  "Yeah, fine."

  This is awful, Dan thought. He hated this, having to be so awkward with Phil. They'd never had a problem with talking or hanging out with each other, but now it was just tense and uncomfortable. 

  The entire way to Dan's house, they were silent. The radio was off, and Dan was too awkward to turn it on. Phil just sat there his chin resting in his hand, staring out the window. His leg was bouncing nervously, and Dan could almost smell the regret coming off of him. 

  It was a major relief when they finally pulled into Dan's driveway, but not for long because it only meant that now they were cooped up in Dan's room alone. 

  "So, get on with it." Phil said, as soon as Dan closed the door. "What do you want?"

  "Why are you being like that?" Dan asked, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at Phil.

  "Like what?"

  "Like you hate me." Dan replied. "I know that we're not on the best of terms, but-"

  "'Not on the best of terms'?" Phil interrupted him, and laughed sarcastically. "Dan, you cheated on me with some pretty boy ass hat you barely knew, I don't want anything to do with you. Honestly, what else did you expect, that I was actually supposed to just forgive you?"

  "No, but you don't have to be so hostile."

  "Oh, well excuse me for being too mean after I caught you being felt up by another guy."

  Dan sighed. "I didn't mean to-"

  "No, don't do that." Phil said. "I already said I don't want you apologizing to me."

  "Well, what do you want me to say, Phil?" Dan said, running his fingers through his hair irritatedly.

  "I don't know! You wanted to talk to me."

  It was silent between them after that, and Dan's only thought was Fuck, this isn't going well at all. What the hell was I thinking?

  "You're being so difficult." Dan muttered, staring at his feet, and he heard Phil snort loudly. 

  "How in the living hell am I being difficult?" He asked. Dan stared at him for a minute, and he moved so that he was standing directly in front of Phil. 

  "You told me you still love me, you remember that? All those weeks ago?" Dan said quietly, his heart racing at their close proximity. They hadn't been so close to touching like this for weeks. 

  "That's not-"

  "And you're still acting like this." Dan interrupted him. "Like you'd rather kill me instead of even look at me. You have no idea how much that breaks my heart."

  "Much like you broke my heart? All those weeks ago? I'm sure you remember that." Phil said, his voice shaking slightly. "You seemed to rather enjoy it."

  "He was nothing."

  "I don't believe that for a second." Phil hissed, trying to push Dan away from him, but Dan only grabbed his hands and held them to his chest. They were face to face now, and Dan could feel Phil's heavy breathing against his neck. 

  "And I don't believe that you want nothing to do with me." Dan whispered, reaching up with one hand and cupping Phil's face gently. "And you wanna know something?"

  "What's that?" Phil asked, not even trying to fight him off anymore. 

  "I love you, Phil Lester."

  And he leaned forward, pressing his lips against Phil's gently and combing his fingers through his hair. 

  It was like an instant reaction, as soon as their lips touched. He tried to keep it slow and cautious, so that Phil didn't freak out and pull away, but he couldn't stop himself. He'd been deprived of this for far too long, and he'd be damned if he passed it up. The kiss grew deeper, as Dan hesitantly slide his tongue into Phil's hot mouth, and he nearly moaned at the feeling. 

  Dan dropped Phil's arms, which were stilled in his grip, and as soon as he did Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's neck and pulled him closer. He opened his mouth wider, so that Dan could have more access, and he let out a low whimper of appreciation. 

  As soon as it happened, it was over. Phil pushed at Dan's chest, until they seperated, and leaned heavily against the wall behind him. His face was red and he was breathing hard, and his eyes were shining with lust and anger. 

  "What the hell is wrong with you?" He asked breathlessly. 

  "You kissed me back." Dan said, both matter of factly and in awe. 

  "Only because.....I didn't......why'd you do that?" Phil replied, standing up straight now and glaring at Dan. "You had no right, no right to.....touch me like that."

  "You can't seriously be mad at me right now. It's not like you tried to stop me or anything."

  "You shouldn't have done it in the first place!" Phil exclaimed. He ran his hands through his hair roughly, closing his eyes. "I need to go."

  "You don't... have to." Dan said, shamelessly begging, but Phil shook his head. 

  "Yeah, I do." He replied. "I can't be around you right now, I can't.....deal with you."

  Dan didn't get to say anything else, because Phil pulled open the door next to him and walked out, leaving Dan standing alone in the middle of his room.


	7. Seven

  "I just can't think of anything that could possibly work at this point." Dan said dejectedly to Jace, as they both walked down the street towards some coffee shop Jace had wanted to go to. Dan had just finished recounting everything that had happened yesterday between him and Phil. 

  "Did you really think kissing him like that was a good idea?" Jace said, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his gray hoodie. 

  "Well, it's not like he tried to stop me! And he kissed me back, that's gotta count for something."

  He could practically hear Jace roll his eyes. 

  "You're such an idiot, Dan." He sighed. "Just because he said he still likes you, doesn't mean he wants you to go around throwing yourself on him like some hormonal teenager."

  "But I am a hormonal teenager." Dan replied, smirking slightly. 

  "That's not the fucking point."

  Dan threw his hands up in frustration, and groaned. "I didn't know what else to do, alright? He was just there, and there were all kinds of emotions, I just lost it. It's not like I wanted to make him hate me anymore than he already does."

  "He told you he doesn't hate you, didn't he?" Jace said, and Dan nodded. "Well stop being such an ignorant bigot and think about him for a second. What he wants, and what he needs."

  "That's all I do, is think about him!" Dan exclaimed. "And that's the problem, I do it too much, and making me go crazy. I don't know what he wants anymore, I don't know him like I used to." He sighed. "He's changed, and it's all my fault."

  "No, it's you who's changed." Jace said. "You've just become this empty shell of a person, who's become dependent on other people. The only thing you care about now is Phil, and what he feels for you, and you get all depressed when he rejects. But the only reason he does, is because you keep acting on these feelings like some irrational dick."

  "What am I supposed to do then, Jace? Since you seemed to be so educated in the area of heartbreak. What the hell am I supposed to do to get him back, because nothing seems to be working."

  Jace stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, pulling Dan's arm so that he stopped beside him. "What you need to do is stop being so bold in the things you do." He said, staring at him intensely. "There's no way he's gotten over everything that you did to him, and trying to get into his pants everytime he looks at you isn't going to change that. Honestly, you're probably only hurting him more than he already is."

  "What do you mean?"

  "He's still in love with you, apparently. But he doesn't want to be, he shouldn't be. He's obviously so confused, because you keep coming onto him and trying to get him back, but he hasn't had any time to recover. And he still has feelings for you, which kind of sucks since he sort of doesn't like you. And then there's me, the person you cheated on him with, and you still talking to me and all that. He doesn't trust you."

  Dan didn't say anything right away, staring at his shoes. Jace was right, he was always right, apparently. Dan just needed to calm down, give Phil some time to get through whatever he was going through. 

  "How do you know so much about all this?" Dan asked, looking up and seeing the flicker of sadness that passed through Jace's green eyes before it disappeared. 

  "Experience." Was the only thing he said, and then he turned and kept walking. Dan followed, and they walked the rest of the way in thick silence. 

  Soon enough, they reached the coffee shop, and hurried inside the somewhat small building filled with all kinds of loud noises and the heavy smell of coffee and sugar. It was actually kind of cozy, and Dan took an instant liking to it. 

  "Why exactly did you drag me down here?" Dan asked, after they had taken their seats in an empty booth near the back. 

  "Because you need to get out more. It's not healthy at all, staying cooped up in that dark hole you call a room." Jace answered. "Now, I'm gonna go order for us, what do you want?"

  "Just, whatever your having is fine."

  Jace got up from his seat, leaving Dan alone to sit and think. Which wasn't a good combination really. 

  Was he really going too fast with Phil? He'd never thought about it, really, it was just second nature the things he did. Truthfully, he wasn't too experienced with having to deal with people, much less someone he loved. It was still new to him, so he must likely was just fucking things up. 

  He was just selfish. These things he was feelings, the love and the want and most definitely the lust; he wanted more. This was the first time in his life that he was being put through this, and though he hated it, it was......refreshing, in a way. It was a whole new experience, and he liked the rush it gave him. 

  God, is this what sadism is? 

  He didn't have anymore time to dwell on it though, because Jace reappeared, setting down a steaming cup of caffeine and sugar in front of him. 

  "I've got good news and bad news." He said as he sat down. "Well, depending on your definition of 'good news'."

  "What is it?"

  "Good news is, your boy toy is here."

  Dan froze. "Please tell me you're joking." He said. He didn't want to look around, because he really didn't want Phil to see him, especially not hanging out with Jace. 

  "Not at all."

  "Fuck...." Dan muttered. "And what's the bad news?"

  "He's brought a friend. Well, seems like a bit more than friendship, from the way the other guy is practically hanging off of him." Jace said, and took a sip of his drink. "He's cute though."

  This time, Dan did look behind him, and sure enough, Phil was standing at the counter up front with some blonde haired, fair skinned boy. He was attractive, in the small, elvish looking sort of way. He was probably about five foot nine, with longish hair, and a swimmers build, all lean muscles and lanky limbs. And he was hanging off of Phil, his arms wrapped securely around the blue eyed boys waist. 

  "Who the hell is that?" Dan wondered out loud. 

  "Dunno." Jace replied, still eyeing the other boy interestedly. "You think he goes to our school?"

"I haven't seen him around."

  "Do you want to leave?" Jace asked. Dan was silent, thinking about exactly what to do, but he shook his head and turned back around in his seat. 

  "No, it's fine. I'll be fine." He said, but it was an obvious lie. He was tearing apart inside that Phil had actually gotten over him that quickly, especially after telling Dan he still loved him. Was it just a lie then? To make Dan feel better? 

  "Don't beat yourself up about it." Jace said, twisting his cup in his hands. "If it makes you feel any better, your boy toy doesn't seem to be enjoying himself too much."

  "Stop trying to make me feel better." Dan said sadly. He wrapped his fingers around the cup in front of him, but it wasn't hot anymore, just lukewarm. He took a sip anyway, and smiled weakly at Jace who scowled at him. 

  "Come on, we're leaving." He said, standing and pulling Dan up with him. 

  "I said it was fine, Jace, I'm not worried about it."

  "Stop lying to yourself, Dan. I can see that you're getting all depressed about it again. Just come on, let's go eat ice cream and complain about love with some cheesy horror movie playing the background." Jace said, pulling him out of the door, and Dan instantly felt better being away from Phil and that other guy. 

  "Thanks." He said, staring at Jace as they walked back the way they had come. Jace didn't look up at him, just nodded. 

  "Don't worry about it." He said, stuffing his hands back in his pockets. 

  It was actually starting to get cold, with winter only a couple months away. People were wearing jackets and scarves outside, and there were Christmas ads all over the place. Dan looked up at the sky, which you could barely see through the thick layer of dark clouds. It looked as if it was gonna start snowing soon. 

  Dan hated the snow.


	8. Eight

  "His name is Ely Masters." Jace said the next morning, sitting across from Dan in the school library. 

  "What are you going on about?" Dan asked. 

  "Your boy toys new partner in crime." He replied. "Ely Masters. He doesn't go here, he goes to some rich kid prep school about half a mile down the road. They wear uniforms and everything. He's an only child, parents are hot shot lawyers, lives in a big house downtown."

  Dan closed the book he'd been reading, staring at Jace curiously. "And how do you know all this?"

  "Extensive research, various sources." Jace replied, kicking his feet up on the table. "I don't like going into detail."

  "You just found out about him yesterday, and you know pretty much everything about him."

  "He seems like my type."

  "Oh no, don't do that." Dan groaned. 

  "What?" Jace asked innocently, his green eyes wide. 

  "Don't try and take him away from Phil with your little mind games, okay? Don't you think you've hurt him enough already ?"

  "It's not my fault he always goes after the good looking ones." Jace said, winking at Dan, who just rolled his eyes. "And besides, do you really want him with that shiny new toy?"

  "Just because I don't like the idea of Phil dating someone else, doesn't mean I want you ripping them apart. If he's happy, then leave him be."

  "Don't you want to be happy too, Dan?"

  Dan sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Can we just let it go? I'll get over it, seriously. I don't care what he does, or who he's with."

  He opened his book again, trying to focus on the words, but his thoughts we're on Phil and his new, much more attractive boyfriend. He'd been lying, about getting over it. It tore at his heart that Phil didn't care about him anymore, and that he probably never would. He had a much more handsome and probably more interesting person to spend all his time with, and all Dan was left with was a broken heart and Jace. 

  He deserved it though. As much as he hated the situation he was in, he knew damn well he'd had it coming, from the first moment Jace had kissed him. 

  There was nothing he could do but suck it up and deal with the consequences, no matter how much it hurt.

  "I'm sorry, you know." Jace said suddenly, and Dan looked up to see him twisting his fingers together anxiously. 

  "It's not your-"

  "No, not that." Jace interrupted him. "I'm sorry that I started all of this. It's my fault you and your boy toy broke up in the first place, and I'm sure that no matter what I do, I could never make up for it."

  "It's my fault too, Jace." Dan said. "I didn't stop you, at any point, so I'm just as much to blame as you."

  Jace didn't say anything else after that, and soon enough he stood and left the library right before the bell rang. 

                                 ******************************************

  "Alright, I'm sure everyone remembers the R&J projects we did earlier on in the semester, yeah?" Dan's English teacher said from the front of the classroom, and all the students mumbled their agreement.

  Ah, yes, when everything wasn't fucked up, Dan thought. 

  "And I'm sure you remember your partners in that project." He continued. 

  Oh, Dan really remembered his partner. 

  "Well, I though that instead of going through the trouble of getting to know new partners," Oh, no. Please don't say it. "you could just work with the same ones as before!"

  Oh, fuck me.

  This could not be possibly happening. There was no way Dan would be able to work with Phil on another school project, he couldn't even think about him without getting incredibly frustrated and somewhat horny. 

  "But, since we have an odd number of students in the class, there'll have to be one group of three. So, Mr. Winslow, you can work with, uh....you can work with Dan and Phil."

  Oh, he was dead. He was not going to survive this, he would end up killing himself before this was over. 

  Was this karma for him? Did God hate him so much, he would bestow this kind of torture and pain upon him? Because He was doing a damned good job of it. 

  Him, Phil, and Jace, all together in one room. The boy he loved, but who didn't love him back, and his ex-mistress/newfound friend. 

  Great.


	9. Nine

  Dan, Phil, and even Jace had tried countless times to convince Mr. Grey that there was no way they could all possibly work on this project together, but it was useless.

  This was proabably the worst thing that could happent to the three of them, especially with the situation they were in. They would just have to deal with the sexual tension, and all the other tension that was sure to be surrounding them for the next few weeks.

It was as if Fate and Destiny had come together and decided that fucking things up was the best thing to do at this exact moment. Well, Dan couldn't disagree any more.

  So they weres stuck together, whether they liked it or not.

  "Is there any way I could just, like, not participate in this?" Dan asked Jace a few days later, sprawled out face down across his bed with his word muffled by his pillows. "I'd rather have a bad grade then face this."

  Jace twirled aimlessly in the desk chair on the other side of the room, his legs pulled up onto the seat. "You can't just run away from it." He said." Then you're just showing Phil, you can't handle it."

  "But I can't handle it!" Dan exclaimed. "That's the whole point. I am not going to survive this, whether he kills me, or the tension and stress does, or I kill myself. I am not walking out of this alive."

  Jace stopped spinning in the chair. "You're not the only victim here, you know." He said. "I'm pretty sure he's not gonna be too happy to see me."

  Dan rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. "I know, I'm sorry. I'm only thinking about myself."

  He just hated being in this situation. With Phil hating his guts, and now having to do this stupid project with him and Jace. Two months, he would never have believed his life would turn into some sort of soap opera drama.

  But being completely honest with himself, he deserved ever second of it. For everything he had done, to Phil and himself. He'd thought before, that seeing Phil with his new boyfriend was his punishement, but apparently, karma wasn't through with him just yet.

  "Have you seen him with that Ely guy anymore?" Dan asked randomly, his stomach churning at the thought of them together.

  Jace resumed his spinning, with a faint smile on his lips. "A few times." He said. "But they don't seem all that invested in each other, if that makes you feel any better."

  Dan glanced over at him, a small shoot of hope going through him. "What do you mean by that?" He asked.

  "I mean, the times I have seen them, they don't really seem like they're 'going out'. If it weren't for all the kissing, I would think they were just friends."

  Dan groaned. "I don't want to know about their 'kissing'."

  "Ely seems like a great kisser."

  "Could you stop fantasizing about Phil's boyfriend and worry about me?"

  Jace paused again, letting his feet hit the ground and starinf at his legs quietly. "That's all I've been doing these last few weeks, is worry about you." He said, and Dan didn't miss the slightly irritated tone in his voice. "I can barely walk down the street without you moaning about Phil and his new boy toy, or about how hard your life is now because you fucked everything up. I have a life too, you know, and sometimes I wonder if you'll ever get yours back on track, because all this worrying about whether or not you'll get Phil back is just a waste of time, really."

  He sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm not angry at you, I just....sometimes, you're a bit too demanding."

  Dan didn't say anything for a while, but turned over onto his side, facing away from Jace. "I didn't realize...you don't have to stay, if you don't want to."

  He felt guilty now. He knew that he had become somewhat dependant on Jace, because he was the only one he could really talk to, but he hadn't thought that Jace didn't enjoy it as much as he did. Now that he thought about it, he was being a selfish bastard. He had no right to just hog all of Jace's time just because he was lonely and needy.

  He heard Jace sigh and stand up from his chair, and a minute later, he felt him sit down on the bed next to him. Jace grabbed his hand, which had been curled up in front of his chest, and clutched it in his.

  "I'm not leaving, alright?" He said softly. "I just think you need to learn how to start dealing with this on your own. I don't like seeing you all pouty and sad."

  Dan rolled over and laid his head in Jace's lap. "Fine." He muttered. "I'll try and stop being so melodramatic. For today, at least."

  Jace laughed, running his fingers through Dan's hair gently. "Good. Now can we talk about boys?" He questioned, his voice a whole lot more cheerful then from minutes before. "I thought that's what gay friends did."

  Dan scoffed playfully, and shifted so that he was sitting up shoulder to shoulder with Jace. "You're kind of a slut, you know that?"

  Jace only winked, and they both laughed, forgetting about their problems for a few hours.

                                    ************************************************************

  The very next day, Dan was trying his hardest not to projectile vomit everywhere from all the nerves twisting in his stomach.

  Because him and Jace were sitting on his bed, side by side. With Phil in front of them.

  For the last half hour, they'd been going over notes from class, but they hadn't said a single word to each other. It was the most tense and awkward thing Dan had ever been put through, and he wasn't enjoying it too much.

  Jace was stiff beside him as well, but he didn't seem as nervous. He kept looking back and forth between Dan and Phil, giving Dan wordless glances full of worry and doubt. He didn't think Dan could handle this, apparently.

  Phil didn't seemed worried at all that his ex was sitting just across from him, right next to the guy he'd been cheated on with. He'd been sitting there, his blue eyes not once leaving the papers in front of him and he didn't seem as if he was going to interact with either of them any time soon.

  Dan saw out of the corner of his eye, Jace opening his spiral notebook to an empty page and scribble something down. He nudged Dan surreptisiously, and held the notebook at an angle so that Dan could read it.

  You sure you're okay? It read. Dan flipped to a clean page and wrote down a reply.

  I'll be fine.

  You don't look so fine.

    Dan rolled his eyes and glanced up to see if Phil had seen their written exchange. It didn't seem as if he had, so Dan continued writing.

  I can handle it, alright? I'm not a kid.

  Beg to differ :)

  Dan smiled at that, trying not to laugh so as not to draw any attention to himself.

  Well, since you're so capable, would you mind if I left? Jace wrote. All this tension isn't doing anything good for my skin.

  Dan looked up at him in panic, rapidly shaking his head as inconspicuously as possibly. There was no way Jace was going to leave all alone with Phil.

  "Well," Jace said out loud, smiling amiably at them. "I actually have some, uh....family stuff that I have to do, so I think I'm just going to leave you to it. I'm sure you guys dont lil ol' me."

  Ignoring Dan's heated glare, Jace grabbed his things, waved slightly and left, letting the door swing shut behind him.

  I'm going to fucking kill him. Dan thought.

  It was just him and Phil now. All alone.

  What could possibly go wrong?


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this is a pre-written story, that I wrote when I was 14-15 years old, and this smut scene is completely terrible and cringe-y, and it wouldn't be I'll advised if you just skipped it entirely.

Needless to say, the experience was awkward.

  Dan was practically shaking from the nerves twisting in his stomach, and there were little beads of sweat trickling down his forehead. He stared blankly down at the papers in front of him, but he wasn't seeing them. God, this is so stupid, Dan thought, trying not to break his pencil in his tight grip.

  Phil just sat there, unmoving and not once looking up to acknowledge Dan's presence. Honestly, it was kind of making him mad how Phil could just so easily ignore him, while Dan was hyperventilating right in front of him.

  "You two seem to be good together." Phil said out of the blue, and Dan nearly jumped out of his skin.

  "What?" Was his smart reply.

  "You and Jace, you guys seem to be getting on well. How long's it been now, almost a month?"

  Dan only stared at him. "Well, you're one to be going on about relationships." He said angrily.  "Don't think I haven't seen you around with that shiny new boy of yours."

  Phil hadn't even looked up from where he was writing. "At least I waited until our relationship was over until I started seeing someone else."

  Dan stood up from where he was sitting on the bad, throwing his books and such down beside him and glaring at Phil, who had finally decided to look up at him. "Did you ever think that there might be a reason I cheated on you with Jace?" He questioned, barely keeping himself from shouting. "That maybe our relationship wasn't as perfect as you seemed to think it was?"

  Phil stood up as well then, his blue eyes cutting through Dan icily. "If you didn't think our relationship meant anything, then why do you keep trying to get me back?" He asked.

  "The only thing you ever did for me was satisfy my needs." Dan sneered.

  He didn't mean a thing that was coming out of his mouth, but he couldn't stop it either. He was just mad. Mad, that he was being put through this kind of situation, even though it had been him who had caused it. That all the blame was being put on him, even though it was being done rightly so. And he was mad that he couldn't have Phil, and he had to go around, seeing the love of his life be happy with someone that wasn't him.

  "I loved you, Dan." Phil whispered, and Dan nearly started crying at his heartbroken tone. "The only thing I ever wanted was for you to love me back, the way I did you. But the only thing you did was rip my heart to shreds, and then go off with that asshole of yours. Can you even imagine what it was like for me, to walk in and see you being felt up by that arrogant, son of a bitch?"

  Dan looked away from him, staring out the window instead. He could feel his throat closing up and he had the oddest burning sensation in his chest.

  "I thought you hated me." He said, and Phil laughed weakly at him.

  "I'd already told you I don't. No matter how much I should, or how much I wanted to, I could never hate you."

  "Well then how come you never did anything about it?" Dan accused, staring at him bitterly. Phil wasn't looking at him anymore, and he looked as if he was about ready to start crying. 

  "I can't...." He paused. "I can't do this anymore."

  "You can't just walk away from me whenever things get like.....this between us." Dan said, reaching out and grabbing Phil's wrist, but Phil hadn't moved. 

  "I'm not leaving, I just......I can't push you away anymore."

  And Dan only had a moment to wonder what the hell he was going on about before Phil was leaning forward and kissing him. It was soft, but also demanding, full of need, and Dan eagerly responded, grabbing Phil's hair roughly with both hands and pulling them closer. 

  There were only two things going through his mind, the first being I've missed this so much, and the second, I need more of him. And Phil must have been able to read his thoughts, because Dan felt his warm hands running under the fabric of his shirt and up his stomach. 

  Skin on skin contact, that's what he needed. He felt like he was going to explode if he couldn't touch Phil the way he wanted. 

  The kiss just grew deeper and hungrier, neither of them breaking apart even though they needed to breathe. Phil had his tongue practically shoved down Dan's throat, but Dan didn't mind at all, because now Phil's shirt was off, and he could touch him. 

  But suddenly, Phil wrenched himself away, moving back until his knees hit the bed and he fell onto it. His chest was heaving, his face red, and Dan saw that he was clearly aroused from his eyes and the bulge in his jeans. He was pretty much in the same position. 

  "Dan, I can't, I can't do this with you." Phil said, still breathing heavily. "Not after.....everything, no." 

  Dan stared at him for a moment, before moving and climbing onto Phil's lap and leaning over him, their faces only centimeters apart. Their breaths were mingling together, and Dan lightly traced his fingers along the contours of Phil's pale chest. 

  "Stop it." Dan whispered huskily, his lips just barely brushing Phil's. "Please, don't....don't stop me."

  He had a boyfriend. Dan knew this, and he knew what the consequences were, he knew exactly what it would be like for Phil if Ely ever found out about this. But it was the last thing on his mind right now. Right now, there was only Phil, laying across his bed, out of breath from them kissing so hot and so heavy, and Phil making the most beautiful noises as Dan ran his fingers firmly across his hardened nipples. Arching into his touch, and grabbing his arm tightly, panting and moaning, and Dan would've probably gotten off on those noises. 

  He wasn't sure exactly when it happened, but his shirt was gone too, and he was relishing in the feel of Phil's hands roaming across his shoulders and his back, his fingers digging in particularly hard when Dan placed a gentle kiss on the side of his throat. 

  "Ah, Dan." Phil groaned loudly, as Dan continued licking and biting at his neck, leaving purplish bruises in his wake. 

  And then, before he even knew what was happening, Dan was lying on his back with Phil on top of him, straddling his hips in a way that had their crotches rubbing together, and Dan let out a low moan. They were both obviously hard and the way they were touching and moving wasn't helping too much. 

  Then they were kissing again, but it was slower this time, gentle. Dan moved his hands up, grabbing the back of Phil's neck and deepining the kiss, moving his tongue with Phil's. It was when Dan started undoing his jeans did Phil pull away and stop him again. 

  "Are you sure you want this?" Phil asked him, and Dan almost laughed. 

  "Yes, Phil, I want this." He said quietly. "I want.....you." Phil stared at him for a moment before nodding, and Dan continued to undo his pants and push them down to his knees before Phil pulled them completely off, and now Dan was only in his underwear. 

  This was the closest he'd even been to being naked with Phil, and if he was being honest, he felt sort of self conscious. He didn't hate his body or anything, he just felt as if Phil could see everything, the small mole he had on his left hip, the fading scar from when he was about twelve and fell off his bike, even the collection of tiny beauty marks that spanned across the back of his shoulders; and he felt like all that made him.....less. 

  "You're beautiful, Dan." Phil whispered, trailing small kisses from his collar bone down to his chest and over his stomach. And Dan forgot all about his stupid insecurities with those three words. 

  Phil moved back up, kissing Dan once on the throat before he started taking off his own jeans (with some difficulty, because damn that boy liked his pants tight), and the only thing that was seperating them now was the thin cotton fabric of their boxers. 

  "Wait." Dan said when Phil started to pull those off too. "I just....this is my first time and everything. I don't want it to go so fast."

  God, this was embarrassing. 

  "You mean, you and Jace never....?"

  "No, we didn't." Dan replied, his face starting to go red. He started pouting when Phil laughed. 

  "Sorry, I never realized." Phil said, brushing Dan's hair out of his face and staring at him. "I'll go slower."

  He leaned down and kissed him, still holding his face gently, and Dan sighed against his lips. 

  "Hold on." Dan said as he pulled away suddenly. "Sorry, I was just wondering. You and Ely, did you guys ever....?" He trailed off watching Phil's eyes flicker with what looked like regret. 

  "Does it really matter?" Phil asked. 

  "A little." Dan answered. "I just want to know."

  Phil stared at him intensely, before sighing and looking away. "Few times."

  "Oh." Dan said, trying not to let the jealousy show on his face, but he could feel it twisting in his gut. "Was it.....was he good?"

  "We are not talking about this right now." Phil exclaimed. "I don't want to ruin this between us, okay? We're both pretty much naked, and I have you under me, I don't think now is the time to be discussing my other relations."

  Dan nodded, and even though he still had that burning ache in his chest, it had slowly starting to fade as Phil continued removing his underwear, and then they were completely naked. He could feel Phil's hot glare, roaming over his entire body, but this time, he felt more confident. Sexy, even. 

  "I can't believe you're still a virgin with the way you look." Phil muttered, his voice low and husky, and Dan shivered. 

  "Shut up and kiss me." Dan said leaning up on his elbows and pulling Phil's head down so that their lips locked heatedly. Phil was gripping Dan's thighs, holding them tightly as they kissed, and Dan moaned loudly when Phil started moving against him. He couldn't resist reaching around and grabbing Phil's ass, pulling him more roughly against him. 

  This was so new to him. He was so inexperienced in this sort of thing, and he barely had an idea of what he was doing. But it was exciting and beautiful and messy and just hot. Dan couldn't enough. He just wanted to let go, forget about everything he'd ever done before this and think about himself, what he wanted. And he wanted this. 

  "You wouldn't happen to have any condoms, would you?" Phil asked suddenly, and Dan blushed slightly at the direct question. 

  "I'm not the most sexually active person." He said, and Phil smiled at him. 

  "Okay, Um.....lotion, or anything?"

  Dan pointed over to his nightstand, and Phil leaned over, opening the top drawer and pulling out a medium sized bottle of lotion. 

  He was really going to do this. He was going to have sex with Phil, lose his v-card to him. He was a mess of nerves, his stomach twisting itself into knots, but there was also no denying the hot lust that was coursing through him. 

  "I'm going to try and make this as painless as possible." Phil said softly into Dan's ear. "I don't want to hurt you."

  "I trust you." Dan replied, his hands running across the surface of Phil's back, up to his neck. Phil moved his head, so that he was looking directly at Dan. 

  Dan dug his nails sharply into Phil's skin, opening his lips in a silent scream as Phil pushed inside of him, slowly but still painfully. 

  He couldn't see, couldn't open his eyes, because if he did he would start crying. Fuck, it was painful. His entire body was tense, his breathing shallow and labored, but there was also just the smallest hint of something.....pleasurable inside him. 

  Phil hadn't moved yet, giving Dan time to adjust to the feel of him, but Dan could tell that he desperately wanted to move, from his harsh breaths panting in his ear. 

  This is supposed to be fun?, Dan thought. His lower spine felt like it was on fire, and he could barely breathe. How the hell did people do this daily?

  "I'm gonna have to move, Dan." Phil said.

  "Wait, no I'm not- Agh, Phil!" Dan screamed, his fingers raking down the skin of Phil's back, but he didn't care enough to feel guilty about it. Even though his eyes were still closed, there were tears streaming down his face, and the sounds he was making were ones of pain. 

  "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Dan." Phil muttered. 

  "It hurts, Phil." Dan whimpered.

  It took a couple more minutes of Dan moaning in pain and Phil whispering sweet nothing's into his ear before it got better. 

  And then things became a bit more.....verbal. 

  "Ah, fuck, Phil." Dan moaned, but this time it was full of pleasure and need.  His hips were moving, almost by themselves, against Phil's, effectively pushing him even deeper inside of him. "Faster...."

  Phil grabbed one of Dan's hands, holding it above his head as he twined their finger together and started quickening his pace. "You feel so good." He gasped against the sweaty skin of Dan's throat, biting the spot gently and eliciting a loud moan from Dan. 

  It was a gentle and passionate, yet fierce rhythm they had, loving and rough. There was biting and kissing, touching, moving, yelling....  it was amazing. 

  Phil grabbed Dan's hips tightly, thrusting harder into him, and Dan gripped the bed sheets until they were curled all the way around his fists, his head thrown back as he screamed out continuously. 

  "Fuck, fucking hell." He groaned, his eyes closed tight, his entire body covered in sweat, and Phil still right above him. "I love you so much, Phil."

  "I love you too, Dan. So, so much." Phil said gratingly, and that was seemingly all it took to send Dan over the edge, because then he was coming, harder and faster than he ever had before. He let out a long string of nonsense swears, gripping Phil's shoulders and arching slightly. 

  It was silent for some time, the only sound being their heavy breathing and the occasional sigh from Dan as he came down from his high. He heard Phil laugh breathlessly, leaning his head down until his forehead was touching Dan's. 

  "What are you doing to me, Dan?"


	11. Eleven

  When Dan told Jace what had happened with Phil, his reaction was completely different then what Dan was expecting.

  "You're a selfish prick, you know that?" He said, not even looking up from the magazine he was flipping through. His voice was calm, but Dan could sense the controlled irritation.

  Dan stared at him, confused, before shaking his head and smirking somewhat awkwardly. 

  

  "What do you mean?" He asked. "You're the one who was going on about me getting my shit together and getting him back, why are you all mad now?"

  "I didn't mean have sex with him, Dan." Jace replied heatedly. "He does still have a boyfriend, you know, and I don't think it would go over well with him."

  "Oh so now you care about whether the person's in a relationship." Dan shot back. "You didn't seem to give a damn when it was me you were fucking with."

  "Just because I messed things up doesn't mean you have to!" Jace shouted.  "Okay yeah, I'm not the best person, not by a long shot. I mess with people all the time, and usually someone ends up hurt. But you're not me, Dan. You're not supposed to go breaking another guys heart for your own needs."

  "The only reason you care about Phil's 'boyfriend'is because you fancy him."

  "So what if I do! But at least I'm not going around behind Phil's back and fucking him."

  "What, like you did with me?"

  "Oh, would you quit bringing that up?" Jace said, rolling his eyes. "Honestly, I'd have thought you'd gotten over that by now, and it's not like you and your boy toy have any issues over it anymore."

  "It's not the fact that me and Phil have issues over it, it's the fact that you're telling me I'm doing something wrong when you have no right."

  "I just thought that you would know what it's like." Jace said quietly. "To have your heart broken. I thought you wouldn't want to do the same with someone else, because you know if he finds out, he'll be torn apart."

  "I do know what it's like, okay?" Dan said. "I know exactly what it feels like to have your chest ripped open and torn through, over and over again, I understand that. I just....I need him, Jace. I need him so badly."

  "So what, Dan?" Jace said. "So what, if you need him so badly, it hurts? That doesn't give you the right to take advantage of him like that."

  "I didn't take advantage of him." Dan said through clenched teeth.

  "Yeah, you did." Jace replied. "You knew that he still had feelings for you, and you twisted that so that you could have your way with him."

  Dan continued to glare at him, but he could feel guilt and shame race through him. It was true, he had taken advantage of Phil. Honestly, he'd had that thought in the back of his mind ever since last night, the thought that, outside of his bedroom, Ely was clueless to the fact that his boyfriend was cheating on him. And it was all Dan's fault.

  "I don't...just, they don't belong together." Dan muttered, and Jace scoffed.

  "Does that really matter? God, how pathetic can you be? I don't even know why I try with you sometimes..." Jace trailed off, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes. Dan could clearly see the irritation on his face and in his tense muscles.

  "Why are you so against me being happy?" Dan asked, and Jace smiled mockingly.

  "I'm not against you being happy, you ass. I'm against you doing stupid shit to get there."

  "Well, you're the one who's been telling me to do all that stupid shit."

  "I didn't tell you to do to your boyfriend what I did to you!"

  Dan ran his hands over his face, and sighed. "Why are you still here then?" He asked. "If I'm such a selfish bastard, why don't you just leave?"

  "I honestly don't know." Jace said. "Cause really, no matter how hard I try with you, you just seem to throw it right back in my face. You just don't seem to listen-"

  "The only thing I've been doing is listening to you!"

  "No, what you've been doing is half assing the things I tell you and making up your own rules as you go!"

  "Why'd you even bother trying to help me in the first place if all you were gonna do was argue with me about the things I do?"

  "Because I felt sorry for you!" Jace yelled, breathing hard and glaring at Dan with hate filled green eyes. "Okay? I pitied you, because you were just empty, broken shell of a boy, and you had no idea how to put yourself back together."

  "Get out." Dan whispered harshly, trying not to break down at his words. 

  "And I didn't want to see you waste your life like that. Pining after some boy who wouldn't give you the time of day. And I didn't want to see you do something stupid because of it either."

  "I said, get out!"

  "I'm sorry, Dan, but I don't think you'll ever be fixed."

  And then he left, slamming the door as he went, and as soon as he was gone, Dan lashed out. 

  Crying out, he slammed his fist into the wall next to him, cutting the skin open, but he didn't even feel it. His face was wet with tears, but the only thing he felt was anger, resentment, hate. 

  His books were thrown to the floor, papers flying everywhere, his lamp tossed carelessly across the room and shattering. Tearing everything apart, breaking, destroying; it was like a sort of therapy, and when Dan fell to the floor almost half an hour later, breathless and covered in his own blood, he felt better. 

  God, he was so stupid. For ever thinking that Jace was a likely friend, someone he could rely on. He was still the same arrogant, sociopathic son of a bitch Dan had known before. 

  But still, now he had no one. Phil hasn't talked to him since last night, and now Jace hated him.

  And he was alone, like he'd been from the start.


	12. Twelve

  The next few days weren't exactly what Dan would call eventful. 

  Him and Jace weren't talking to each other anymore, it seemed. And even though it was mostly his own fault, Dan was still angry at him. For abandoning him like that all because of his stupid crush. 

  And Phil hadn't once talked to him ever since they'd spent the night together. He wasn't in school, from what Dan could tell, and he was never home when Dan visited. He just sort of....disappeared, and it was another thing that made Dan angry. They'd slept together, goddammit, how the hell could he just up and leave for three days like that? 

  He felt used. Used by Jace, to entertain himself until he found some other boy more worth his time. Used by Phil, for his body, or just for the fucking fun of it. 

  It had started snowing as well, to Dan's dismay, and while everyone else seemed to be enjoying the cold weather with the promise of the holidays soon approaching, Dan struggled to make it through the day with publicly throwing a tantrum. 

  School wasn't much fun, what with Phil not being there and Jace blatantly ignoring him. The teachers were boring and the other kids were much to excited.The days were long and torturous, and Dan was always glad when they were over so he could go back to sulking in the warmth of his bed. 

  Christmas was only a few weeks away, but Dan could care less. The decorations, the presents, those stupid holiday themed coffees they always came up with. He wasn't much of a fan. The only real upside was that his parents would be home, he really did miss them sometimes. 

  Everything had seemed as if it was going right again, but obviously it was just a break from the hell that had reigned upon him. Why was it him that had to go through this? He'd had a perfectly normal, unaware life before all the boys and the feelings came and snatched that away from him. 

  He'd just gotten in way over his head. 

                           ***********************************************

  It was maybe three o'clock in the morning when the persistent knocking on his window woke Dan up. 

  He grabbed his phone from the table next to him, squinting at the brightness as he checked the time, before groaning and rolling irritatedly out of his bed. He was wearing only a thin T-shirt with his pyjama bottoms, and shivered violently as the cold from outside cascaded over him through the window. 

  "What is it, Phil?" He asked, yawning tiredly, but actually surprised to see him. It wasn't everyday a gorgeous man came to your window this late. 

  "Hey." Phil greeted. "I know, 'it's three o'clock in the fucking morning' or whatever, but it's freezing out here, can I come in?"

  Dan stared at him for a moment before nodding and stepping aside so Phil could climb through. He had snow on his shoes that melted as soon as they hit the warm air of Dan's room, and Phil shut the window behind him. He little drops of water in his dark hair and on the sweater he was wearing, and his cheeks were all flushed and pink, but he was still painfully attractive. 

  "You're mad at me, aren't you?" Phil asked, folding his arms across his chest nervously. 

  "Maybe just a little." Dan answered sarcastically , glaring at the wall. "I mean, it's not like you took my virginity and then ran way for three days or anything, so..."

  "I'm sorry, I'm really, very sorry Dan." Phil said desperately, moving forwards and clutching Dan's arms. "I know there's no possible amount of apologizing I can do to make it any better, but I am sorry. I didn't really think about it, what it would do to you, and I know you must hate me, but I honestly didn't mean to."

  Dan refused to look him in the face, because he knew as soon as he saw the guilt in those eyes, he break. And he didn't want to relent so easily. "Where were you?" He asked. 

  "I...." Phil sighed. "I was with Ely."

  "Oh, that's just fucking perfect." Dan said through his teeth, not even trying to hide the angry jealousy boiling through him. "What, were you sleeping with him, too?"

  "I didn't....not after me and you..."

  "What we did, did that even mean anything to you, Phil?" Dan asked, shrugging Phil's hands off of his shoulders. "Did it hold any kind of value for you? Because, let me tell you, it sure as hell did for me. That night meant everything to me, and then you just left?  Like I was some pathetic one night stand who you don't call back the next day?"

  "You know you mean more than that to me, Dan." Phil said, narrowing his eyes. 

  "Well it doesn't seem like that, the way you keep switching between me and your perfect boyfriend."

  "I broke up with him, Dan." Phil said, and Dan paused. "I let him go, so that maybe I could start over with you. And you have no idea what it did to me, having to break his heart like that just so I could make you happy."

  "I...I didn't realize." Dan muttered. That really changed things. 

  "Of course you didn't." Phil said quietly, running his fingers through his hair. "Are we okay?"

  "I dunno, Phil." Dan said, rubbing his eye as he yawned again. "Are we?"

  "I want us to be. I want us.....to be an 'us' again."

  "Me too."

  It was silent between them for what seemed like forever, both of them just staring at each other, and Dan nearly had a stroke when his phone, which was still in his hand, started ringing loudly. 

  "Hello?" He answered, not looking at the caller ID. 

  "Hey, Dan." 

  "Jace." Dan said, and he could clearly see Phil's eyes darken at the name. Guess he still wasn't over it. 

  "I known this is a bullshit time to be calling, but I just wanted to say I'm fucking sorry." 

  There was an obvious difference between him and Phil. 

  "Oh." Dan said. "Um, it's alright really."

  "Yeah, I was being a bit hypocritical, I guess. I just didn't like the idea of you hurting someone else for your own reasons, but I can't really say anything about that, huh."

  Dan laughed slightly. "It's fine I understand."

  "Did I wake you up or something. Sorry."

  "Oh, no, I was already awake."

  "What the hell are you doing awake at 3 a.m.?" Jace asked.

  "Just, uh....talking."

  "With...?"

  Dan didn't answer him, and he could almost feel the death glare Jace was most likely wearing. 

  "Do not tell me he is over there right now."

  Dan sighed. "Jace, you just said you were apologizing."

  "That was before I knew he was still warming your bed at night."

  "We're not doing anything." Dan conceded, glaring at Phil, who was smirking. 

  "Like there's much else to do at three in the morning."

  "We are literally, just talking." Dan said agitatedly, rolling his eyes. 

  "I don't care what it is you're doing, I'll just go." Jace said, clearly angry. "Sorry if I interrupted or whatever. Go on with your cheating session."

  "Jace, him and Ely aren't even-"

  "Bye, Dan."

  And then he hung up, leaving Dan standing there with the dial tone ringing in his ear. He turned the phone off and stared at it in disbelief. God, that boy is so difficult.

  "Everything okay?" Phil asked, staring at Dan worriedly. 

  "Yeah, fine, just....he's sort of angry about me and you, cause of the whole Ely thing."

  "Why didn't you tell him we broke up?"

  "He didn't give me a chance." Dan laughed. 

  They stood there for a minute, not saying anything, and Dan yawned for the third time. 

  "You look exhausted, Dan." Phil said, smiling slightly and brushing the hair out if Dan's face. "I'm gonna go, alright? I'll, uh...see you tomorrow."

  "Wait." Dan said, grabbing Phil's arm before he could open the window again. "Would you, Um.....stay, with me? Tonight?"

  Phil paused, but nodded and smiled. "Of course."

  "Thanks." Dan said, flushing slightly, but his stomach was fluttering happily. 

  Dan forgot all about Jace as he slowly drifted back into sleep, this time with Phil's arms wrapped around him, and his face buried into Dan's hair. Their bodies were pressed together to make room for the both of them on Dan's bed, and their legs were all tangled. 

  It was extremely comfortable.


	13. Thirteen

  It was the next day that everything went to hell. 

  Dan woke up that morning to an empty bed and a note from Phil. 

  Didn't think it would be a good idea for your mum to find me here. I'll see you at school, promise. 

                                                                            Xx  Phil 

  Dan was disappointed, because he'd actually been hoping to wake up next to Phil, but it was short lived. 

  Because him and Phil were okay again. They weren't exactly a 'thing', but there was a chance for them. And Dan was holding on to that chance with everything that he had.  He had a smile on his the whole morning, to the point where his cheeks started to ache. 

  It had snowed heavily the night before. It was piled up against the side of the house, and Dan had to struggle to open the door of his car without getting covered in the stuff. It was a nightmare, driving the roads, because no matter how much it was cleared, the snow just kept coming down. 

  The hallways of the school were crowded and loud, even though Dan had gotten there a bit early. He usually resented the rowdy student body, but today he couldn't have cared less about their existence. 

  He was just opening his locker when Phil showed up, leaning up against the wall with his hands stuffed in his pockets and a smile matching Dan's. 

  "Hey." He said and Dan could feel his inside fluttering in his stomach from just that one word. God, he was such a girl sometimes. 

  "Hey." Dan replied. "I, uh, I missed you this morning."

  "Yeah, I didn't think it would be such a good idea to let your parents find me in your room."

  "Yeah." Dan laughed, taking his books from his locker and facing Phil properly. "I, er....I'm glad you came over last night though."

  "Me too." Phil said. They stood there for some time, just staring at each other stupidly. It started to get a bit awkward after a minute, and Dan was thankful when the bell rang, signalling the start of lessons. 

  "Shall we go then?" Dan asked and was just turning to leave when Phil grabbed his arm. 

  "I just, uh.....Um.... " Phil stuttered, his face starting to heat up. "I just, wanted to hold your hand."

  Dan stared at him dumbly for a moment, before blinking and nodding his head. Hold my hand. He wants to hold my hand.  Phil interlaced their fingers, somewhat awkwardly, and smiled shyly at Dan. "Sorry, I'm still a bit out of tune with....with you."

  Dan nodded, silently agreeing, relishing in their skin to skin contact. He'd missed this, this small interaction between them, holding hands for no reason at all. It had been nearly a month since the last time they'd done something so mundane, yet so intimate. 

  And so they walked, hand in hand, to English class. 

  To Dan's surprise, everything went fine that day. He'd honestly expected for Jace to come and start something, but he wasn't even there. Which meant that Dan didn't have to be so cautious with Phil either. 

  It was after school that things quickly went downhill. 

  The snow had piled up greatly during classes, and pretty much everyone's cars, even the teacher's, were snowed in. Which left Dan to walk the seventeen blocks back home. And he didn't even have Phil with him, because he lived in a different direction. 

  He pulled his coat tightly around him, trying to maintain some warmth, and started trudging through the cold snow, muttering silent curses under his breath. 

  There was pretty much no one else outside, everyone having decided to stay in the heat of their own homes. It was extremely quiet, and Dan wished he could use his headphones, but he didn't want to risk them getting wet from the still falling snow. 

  He looked up from under his hood a saw the dark figure of another person ahead of him. They looked as if they were heading towards him, so he moved from the middle of the path to to let them pass. 

  But they didn't pass, no, whoever it was stopped right in front of him, and Dan didn't even see them until he ran into them. 

  "You fucking slut." Was the only thing he heard before the person slammed their fist into his jaw, sending him reeling backwards onto the snow covered ground. 

  What the actual fuck?, Was the only thing going through his mind, as he looked up, holding his face gingerly. He stared up at the very obviously angry boy, who's white blond hair was a mess around his face. His brown eyes flashed with hate a bad malice, Dan had no idea who-

  Oh no. Oh, he did know who this was. 

  Ely Masters didn't even hesitate before he was lashing out again, pulling Dan up by his arm roughly and punching him again, this time right in the face. Warm blood gushed from his nose, staining the white of the snow. 

  "Ely! Ely, stop it, leave him alone!" Someone shouted from close by, and Dan would recognize Phil's voice anywhere. He came running up behind Ely, pushing him hard away from Dan. 

  "Don't touch me, Phil!" Ely shouted, backing away from him. 

  'Don't you dare touch me. Not with those disgusting hands of yours.' Dan could only imagine what was going on in Ely's head. 

  Phil looked a right mess, his black hair sticking up in every direction and his face red from the cold and probably from running. Dan could see a medium sized bruise turning purple on his cheek, and he was shaking slightly. 

  "You have no right!" Phil yelled. "I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry about what I did to you, but I love him! I know it was wrong, you have no idea how much I knew it was wrong, but that doesn't give you the right to go beating up the person I love!" He paused, running his fingers through his already messy hair. "And I don't love you, Ely. I'm sorry, but it's the truth."

  "Well then why did you even bother with me in the first place?" Ely asked. 

  "I don't know." Phil replied thickly. 

  "I fucking did everything for you." Ely continued. "I tried my hardest to let you know that I loved you, because I could see that you still wanted him."

  "I'm sorry."

  "I hate you so much." Ely said, shaking his head slightly, before glaring at Dan once more and leaving. 

  Phil sighed, turning and reaching his hand out to help Dan up. "I'm so sorry, I really don't think he'd freak out like that."

  "You told him?" Dan asked, holding his nose to staunch the blood that was still running.

  "No. Jace did."

  So that's why he wasn't in school today. He was too busy stabbing Dan in the back. 

  "I'm going to kill him." Dan threatened.

  "Don't worry about it, Dan, it's all over and done with." Phil said tiredly. Dan looked at him, reaching up and gently touching the bruise on his face. 

  "He hit you?" 

  "He had the right to."

  "He didn't." Dan said angrily. "No one ever has a right to hit someone like you, no matter what they do."

  Phil smiled at him, brushing his hair back and kissing his forehead. "Thanks."

  Dan smirked, but didn't say anything. His glove was soaked through with blood now, but his nose had stopped bleeding.

  "You said you loved me." He said, wiping his face. Phil looked at the ground, stuffing his hands into his pockets. 

  "I did. I do." Phil said, his smile growing. Dan smiled back at him, even though he couldn't see. 

  "I love you, too."


	14. Fourteen  (Final)

  It was rocky at first, getting back into their old rhythm. They'd both changed quite drastically in the time they'd been apart, and it wasn't easy getting used to each other again. But they managed. 

  As much as he wanted to, Dan hadn't been able to 'talk' with Jace since everything had gone down. Mostly because Phil always warned him against it, but also because he didn't want to start any unnecessary drama. They'd had a few tense interactions, but nothing more than a few words and awkward nods. 

  Christmas had come and gone, and it was probably the best Christmas Dan had had in a while. And not just because him and Phil had done their own 'gift exchanging' that night. Not too long after, the snow was gone, and the weather was gradually getting warmer, for which everyone was thankful. 

  And things were settling down. There was no more drama, no tension. Things were....peaceful, as far as Dan could tell. And he hoped that it would stay that way. 

  There wasn't a day that went by that Phil didn't tell Dan he loved him. Dan was sure it was his way of letting Dan know that he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, and Dan was completely fine with that. Because he didn't ever want him to leave. 

                               ************************************************

  Dan was sat outside of the school, long after it had ended, waiting for Phil finish some make up exam for one of his classes. He was reading one of his textbooks, but not really focusing on it, unconsciously throwing glances towards the couple that was sitting not too far from him. They were the usual giggly, cuddly sort of couple, holding hands and sharing kisses every now and then. 

  But Dan didn't smirk or scowl at them, like he would have done not too long ago. He didn't reprimand them in his head. Because he understood now, what it felt like to have someone that meant everything to you, someone you'd do anything for, and who's do the same for you. He knew why they did the things they did, and he was so glad that he understood it all.

  Because it was the greatest feeling in the world. 

  He was just stealing another glance at the pair, think about how honestly cute they were, when someone wrapped their arms around his waist from behind. Dan smiled and turned around, looking right into the bluest pair of eyes he'd ever seen. 

  "Took you long enough." Dan said playfully. Phil grinned widely back at him, leaning down and kissing his cheek. 

  "Sorry, love. You have no idea how much I just wanted to jump out the window so I could see you." Phil said, laughing when Dan glanced away shyly. He still hadn't become use to Phil's open affection towards him, not even after these last few months. 

  "Well, come on then." Dan said, pulling away from Phil's embrace and grabbing his hand instead. "We have studying to do."

  "Oh please, you and I both know there won't be any studying getting done." Phil snorted. 

  "Well, we have to make people think that." Dan said, tugging Phil along after him. "Or else we wouldn't get any time alone."

  "Our little secret, then."

  Dan laughed at him. As they were leaving the school grounds, he glanced one more time at the other couple and saw the girl smiling at him. He smiled back and even waved slightly, before they disappeared around the corner. 

  Phil kept trying to distract him on the way back to his house, with his roaming hands and wandering lips, and Dan nearly swerved off the road a few times, cursing heavily for Phil to 'be patient til we get back to mine!' Of course, he didn't listen, and Dan was half mad by the time they pulled into his driveway. 

  They only made it to the hallway before Phil was slamming Dan up against the wall, kissing him deeply and tugging at his clothes. Dan groaned loudly, reaching around and digging his fingers into Phil's hair. He lifted himself up, wrapping his legs around Phil's waist, and Phil bit his bottom lip harshly in return. His hands were pulling at the hem of his shirt, and Dan lifted his arms so he could take it off. 

  This was something Dan had grown used to, with Phil. The constant touching, the need to be closer to each other, the urge to just be together in the most intimate way possible. It was all kinds of exciting, and it was one thing Dan had come to love the most. 

  Phil had moved away from his mouth, now attacking his neck with small bites and kisses. Dan moaned almost embarrassingly loudly when Phil grazed along his soft spot, making him shiver. His whole body was shaking, his breathing all messed up, and his hips wouldn't stop moving against Phil's, desperately trying to create the friction he craved so badly. 

  Phil pulled away from his throat, his face inches from Dan's, his darkened blue eyes watching as Dan fell apart. And Dan stared right back at him, his eyelids heavy and his hands gently cupping Phil's face. 

  "Are we gonna do this out here, then?" Dan asked, his voice low and husky. 

  "I sure hope not." Phil said, mockingly worried. "Wouldn't want to ruin your mum's carpet."

  Dan grinned at him and laughed when Phil threw him over his shoulder, carrying him the rest of the way to his room. 

                                  *******************************************

  A few hours later, they were sprawled across the messy blankets of Dan's bed, Dan with his head on Phil's chest and Phil running his fingers through Dan's damp hair softly. They were both nearly on the edge of sleep, but Dan opened his eyes when Phil started taking. 

  "I, uh, I saw Jace with Ely today." He said. Dan felt his stomach twist anxiously at the names, but he didn't let it show. 

  "Mmm, yeah?" Dan muttered. He wasn't too curious about what those two might might be getting up to, but he was slightly worried. He knew what Jace was like, and if he decided to fuck with Ely, he wasn't likely to get off easy. Ely didn't seem like the type to let it slide. 

  "Yeah." Phil said, his voice thick with fatigue. "They both kind of have me the death glare."

  Dan frowned slightly, but didn't feel too threatened. "Don't worry about them. I won't let anything happen to you."

  Phil laughed once, burying his nose into Dan's hair. "I feel so safe now." He muttered. Dan only mumbled, wrapping his arms more securely around Phil's waist and closing his eyes once more, drifting to sleep. 

  He was different, so much more different than he had been a few months ago. But it was a good kind of different. He'd found the the world wasn't such a stereotypical blinded one, and that there was actually such a thing as having someone you would die for. Because he knew that, if need be, he would die for Phil, without hesitation. 

  He'd realized that he had everything he would ever need, and that he shouldn't ever let anything get in the way of that. Cause once you lost everything, you had nothing to live for. 

  But the most important thing that had changed for him was Discovering Love. 

                             ●The End●


End file.
